People Don't Need Fixing. They Need Understanding.

I did it again.

My partner was struggling with an issue at work and came home feeling anger, shame, guilt, and humiliation.

I reacted with my usual response – systematic, realistic and (hopefully) calming suggestions to bring about a logical solution as quickly as possible. So, I was very surprised when my helpful suggestions were met with agitation, tears, and “that’s not what I need.”

My High C/S DISC profile beat out my empathetic touchy-feely side once again, leaving us both feeling misunderstood. I can’t tell you how many times in my life I’ve experienced situations like this. Let’s just say that by now I should know better and should pause and think before speaking. But, well, I am a “fixer”. I like to fix things and make them all better – even when I can’t, and even when what’s needed isn’t a fix, but some simple validation and understanding.

I know I’m not alone in my fixing quest. I’ve worked with numerous people who have spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to “fix” someone else. Sometimes they’re trying to “fix” a co-worker who procrastinates is always late, or talks too much. Other times they’re trying to “fix” a spouse or family member who is messy or too clean, forgetful, or too task oriented. But, what if instead of spending energy trying to fix someone, we focused on understanding them instead?

During the times I’ve handled things “correctly”, I focused on learning what the person was really saying and feeling, rather than figuring out how to “fix” the situation for them. Most of all, I didn't try to change them, I simply showed up “with” them. If anything, I listened more and asked a few questions to make sure I understood where they were at so I could either provide some empathy, or at least not make matters worse.

There’s a cool thing that happens as a result of taking time to understand instead of fix – judgment fades out and empathy fades in. When that happens, everything gets easier. (For everyone.)

Even in the most challenging or heartbreaking situations, people rarely need fixing. But, in all situations we ALL need understanding.

How would your life change if you spent more time trying to understand others?

People don't need fixing. They need understanding.

And that begins by understanding ourselves well enough to become the best version of who we already are.